Side Effects of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family

Over-Responsibility and Guilt

One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that we may learn to feel guilty if we fail to ensure the success and happiness of other members of the household. Thus, in adulthood, we may come to feel responsible for our partner’s failures. The guilt we feel when our partner fails may drive us to keep tearing down our personal boundaries so that we are always available to the other person. When we feel overly responsible for another person’s life experiences, we deprive them of one of the most important features of an independent, healthy and mature life – the ability to make their own life choices and accept the consequences of their decisions. At Dr. Quintal and Associates we offer Accelerated Healing Therapy that can remove the feelings of unwarranted guilt and feeling overly responsible for others behaviors.

Fantasy vs. Reality

Children from dysfunctional households often feel that things will get better someday, that a normal life may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things are fairly normal, but then the bad times return again. It’s the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the family might someday be solved. When they grow up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into their relationships. They may portray to others the myth that they have the perfect relationship – and they may believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore the abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are unable to confront them – and the fantasy of a happier future never comes to pass. Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to come to terms with the troubles of the relationship.

Healthy boundaries allow us to test reality rather than rely on fantasy. When problems are present, good boundaries allow us to define the problems and to communicate with our partner in finding solutions. They encourage a healthy self-image, trust, consistency, stability and productive communication.

Learning to have healthy boundaries is an exciting adventure, an exercise in personal liberation.
It means coming to know ourselves and increasing our awareness of what we stand for. It also means
self-acceptance and knowing that we are OK as we are and worthy of the good things in life. When two people with healthy boundaries enter into a relationship, they encourage wholeness, independence, and a zest for life in their partner. They know that trust is possible and that the normal expected difficulties found in all relationships can be worked on constructively. They can find true intimacy as whole, complete and equal people. The journey to a sense of healthy identity is not always easy – but it need not be all that difficult. It often means letting go of some of our old misconceptions about the nature of the world. It means treating ourselves with respect and
appreciating ourselves for what we really are. When we can do this for ourselves, we can take the same approach toward our partner – and then the true happiness and love that our relationship deserves can become a reality.

For additional information on these subject you can follow us on Twitter, like our Facebook page, or contact us for a free phone consultation at 941-907-0525.

Taking Back Your Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem and healthy assertion go hand in hand...

How you define yourself, positively or negatively, depends on the messages you’ve heard from others throughout your life. We internalize the things we’ve heard about ourselves from other people, and this becomes the basis of our self-esteem, which can be either mostly positive or mostly negative. 

If we see ourselves in a negative light, we may feel that we are not worthy of speaking up for what we want – and this can lead to nonassertion as a lifestyle, and contribute to anxiety and depression. People who work on their assertiveness skills have to look deeply within to assess their self-esteem and see what they can do to create a more positive definition of themselves. They can find things about themselves that they like. They might practice saying affirmations to themselves (affirmations are sayings such as “I like myself more and more each day”) until they become a reality and replace the old negative messages they may have heard throughout their lives. They may have conversations with people in which they talk about their positive qualities and maintain a positive tone throughout the conversation.

Turning an old legacy of negativity into a present sense of positive feelings takes some work, persistence, and motivation, but the rewards are enormous. One day you realize that you really do like yourself, you like who you are, and you are willing to let the world know this. (This does not imply that you are working toward conceit or a superior, condescending attitude – you are simply working to repair old negative messages that have held you back in the past. You are working toward balance.) Assertion requires positive self-esteem. Once you feel good about yourself, you can then go out into the world with a healthy sense of pride and assertively deal with the many experiences and people who come your way.

For more information about learning to regain your self-esteem please visit our website at DrQuintal.com. We provide counseling with a variety of Accelerated Healing Methods that offer direct solutions to your problem. Please contact us for a free phone consultation.

What About Panic Attacks?

One of the most debilitating manifestations of anxiety is the panic attack. These dramatic episodes of anxiety seem to come out of the blue and happen even when there is no real danger. They are usually intense for a few minutes and then subside. The sufferer may experience chest pains, the feeling of smothering, dizziness, heart pounding, depersonalization, hot and cold flashes, sweating, numbness, or nausea. These symptoms may be accompanied by fears of dying, going crazy, and losing control. Those who experience panic attacks often live in fear of their next attack, and this may prevent them from leaving the house, being alone, or driving. Panic attacks are not triggered by a specific phobia.

One of the factors that perpetuates panic attacks is the fear of having another one. The perception that a panic attack is coming on can magnify an awareness of symptoms and then the person begins to tense up and harbor thoughts of doom – just the conditions that drive a panic attack.

If you feel a panic attack coming on, it is helpful just to let it happen, as uncomfortable as this may seem. As is true of any phobia, you have to expose yourself to the feared situation in order for the fear to decrease over time. If you don’t tense up, the symptoms will generally subside within a few minutes. Tensing up will perpetuate the episode. You may feel faint, but you won’t really faint (blood is going to your muscles as you tense up and not to your brain, and this may bring on the sensation of fainting – but your blood pressure and heart rate have increased, so you’re actually less likely to faint). During a panic attack, try to re-channel your thoughts. Challenge your negative thinking (you are not having a heart attack; you will not suffocate; you are not going crazy; you will not die). Trust that this will end soon.

Tell yourself the following – “Well, here it is again. Let me watch my body respond to this, just like I’ve done before. I will survive this and I can handle it. This may be unpleasant, but it’s only anxiety and it will pass. Let me flow through this.”

Dr. Quintal & Associates

5460 Lena Road, Suite 103

Bradenton, FL 34211

941-907-0525

Visit our website for information about Rapid Resolution Therapy: www.drquintal.com

Patient Testimonial After Treatment for Anxiety

Hi Dr. Quintal,

Just wanted to touch base about how I was doing. Well it has taken time to get use to NOT having anxiety. I figured I have probably had that horrible anxiety like that for about 39 yrs and it just got worse as time went on. After my treatment it felt weird because I had to get use to the voice in my head not being there felt like something was missing. Now I feel better not missing it so much anymore don't really think about it that much or not at all. So it has been 5 weeks since I started my new job it was an adjustment a bit scary and overwhelming a new place and new people.

What is nice at my new job for me is I am not focusing on my new co-workers and scrutinizing them thinking they are up to something. I do like my new job and it is a very professional and respectful work atmosphere no ridiculous nonsense goes on there. When my co-workers act different sometimes I say thats about them not me and walk away and not think about it again and that works. So without all that anxiety I am able to focus on my job and start to enjoy my life a lot more without all that worry.So that's about it and thanks it sure has changed my life for the better!

Sincerely,

Maureen M.