Learning to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflicts in Your Relationship

We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people learn the art of self-soothing.

Read more...

Struggling with Low Self-Esteem?

If you struggle with low self-esteem, we can help!  Please visit our site at www.DrQuintal.com or call us at 941-907-0525 for a free phone consultation.

Do social situations make you extremely uncomfortable? Social anxiety can be treated!

Social anxiety and social phobias are treatable anxiety disorders.  Please visit our site at www.DrQuintal.com or call us at 941-907-0525 for a free phone consultation.

Do you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep through the night? We can help!

Insomnia, or sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which there is an inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep as long as desired. Using Accelerated Healing Methods, the team at Dr. Quintal & Associates is able to successfully treat insomnia without the use of medications.

Healthy and Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships – Some Examples

Are you able to establish healthy boundaries in relationships?  Here are some examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries in relationships:

Healthy

• Feeling like your own person
• Feeling responsible for your own happiness
• Togetherness and separateness are balanced
• Friendships exist outside of the relationship
• Focuses on the best qualities of both people
• Achieving intimacy without chemicals
• Open, honest and assertive communication
• Commitment to the partner
• Respecting the differences in the partner
• Accepting changes in the relationship
• Asking honestly for what is wanted
• Accepting endings

Unhealthy

• Feeling incomplete without your partner
• Relying on your partner for your happiness
• Too much or too little togetherness
• Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others
• Focuses on the worst qualities of the partners
• Using alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy
• Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation
• Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment
• Blaming the partner for his or her own unique qualities
• Feeling that the relationship should always be the same
• Feeling unable to express what is wanted
• Unable to let go

A most exciting way to live is in true connection with your partner, family, friends and business associates.

Are you in a rut, feeling stuck?  Perhaps experiencing ongoing conflicts?  Wish you felt closer and more connected?  Have you been hurt, finding it hard to trust again?  These are just a few of the feelings that may be present in a relationship.  Most create undue tension, sadness, worry, fear, stress and more.

Dr. Quintal & Associates look at a variety of therapeutic approaches and tailor those best suited to you and your partner’s needs.

Learn to communicate more effectively and remove the blocks that keep you from connecting.  Get the tools you need and build the relationship you’ve always wanted.  Resolve conflicts and create a close loving relationship that can last a lifetime.

Dr. Quintal & Associates highly trained and skilled therapists are ready to help.  Make an appointment or schedule a free phone consultation today:  (941) 907-0525

Taking Back Your Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem and healthy assertion go hand in hand...

How you define yourself, positively or negatively, depends on the messages you’ve heard from others throughout your life. We internalize the things we’ve heard about ourselves from other people, and this becomes the basis of our self-esteem, which can be either mostly positive or mostly negative. 

If we see ourselves in a negative light, we may feel that we are not worthy of speaking up for what we want – and this can lead to nonassertion as a lifestyle, and contribute to anxiety and depression. People who work on their assertiveness skills have to look deeply within to assess their self-esteem and see what they can do to create a more positive definition of themselves. They can find things about themselves that they like. They might practice saying affirmations to themselves (affirmations are sayings such as “I like myself more and more each day”) until they become a reality and replace the old negative messages they may have heard throughout their lives. They may have conversations with people in which they talk about their positive qualities and maintain a positive tone throughout the conversation.

Turning an old legacy of negativity into a present sense of positive feelings takes some work, persistence, and motivation, but the rewards are enormous. One day you realize that you really do like yourself, you like who you are, and you are willing to let the world know this. (This does not imply that you are working toward conceit or a superior, condescending attitude – you are simply working to repair old negative messages that have held you back in the past. You are working toward balance.) Assertion requires positive self-esteem. Once you feel good about yourself, you can then go out into the world with a healthy sense of pride and assertively deal with the many experiences and people who come your way.

For more information about learning to regain your self-esteem please visit our website at DrQuintal.com. We provide counseling with a variety of Accelerated Healing Methods that offer direct solutions to your problem. Please contact us for a free phone consultation.

How to Deal Assertively With Insults

All of us have had the experience of being insulted, and it is most uncomfortable and can be quite traumatic in some cases. An insult can easily mess up your day, if not your week. Insulting another person is a form of aggression (unless, of course, it can clearly be defined as banter between trusted friends). When you are insulted, you may silently punish yourself for leaving yourself open to the put-down. Or you may even agree with the insult as if it had validity (“Yes, I should take the tape off these glass- es”). Some of us simply cringe occasionally when we remember the put-down and think of it as one of our bad memories. A few lucky people seem to be able to let it go and move on.

Dr. Jason Quintal

Let’s say that someone gives you a verbal insult. In some ways, this type  of insult, though painful, is the easiest to deal with because everything is out in the open. For example, you accidentally step on some- one’s foot in a crowd, and, to your horror, you hear in an angry voice, “You jerk, can’t you watch where you’re walking?” What is the best way to handle this? First, let the person vent. They are probably having a hard time, and they might be phobic in crowds. So give the person that much. Then, verbally acknowledge the person’s feelings – “Oh, I’m sorry. You must have felt as if I did that on purpose and it upset you.” Admit when you have done something wrong if you receive an insult, even if it is accidental. Now it’s time to be assertive. In a calm voice and with good eye contact, say, “I would appreciate it, however, if you would not call me names in front of other people or shout at me, even if you are upset. I can understand your point without that kind of behavior.” And then bring the encounter to an end.

Sometimes insults are nonverbal. This can be seen with the rolling of the eyes, the silent chuckle as you are talking, pouting, obscene gestures, staring off into space, sighing. This type of insult is more difficult to handle because it is easily denied or it could simply be a mannerism of the other person. The aim in this case is to bring the nonverbal communication into the verbal realm. “Did I say something to offend you?” “I am having difficulty understanding your gesture. Could you please explain what you mean?” It is fair to you to get feedback if you have indeed said or done something to offend the other person. But now the confrontation is in the verbal realm, and the assertive responses appropriate to verbal insults can be applied.

Please visit DrQuintal.com for further information and an explanation of the mental health services we provide. We also offer a free phone consultation regarding any problems or issues you may be coping with in life. If you participate in social media please visit our Facebook and Twitter page.

What About Panic Attacks?

One of the most debilitating manifestations of anxiety is the panic attack. These dramatic episodes of anxiety seem to come out of the blue and happen even when there is no real danger. They are usually intense for a few minutes and then subside. The sufferer may experience chest pains, the feeling of smothering, dizziness, heart pounding, depersonalization, hot and cold flashes, sweating, numbness, or nausea. These symptoms may be accompanied by fears of dying, going crazy, and losing control. Those who experience panic attacks often live in fear of their next attack, and this may prevent them from leaving the house, being alone, or driving. Panic attacks are not triggered by a specific phobia.

One of the factors that perpetuates panic attacks is the fear of having another one. The perception that a panic attack is coming on can magnify an awareness of symptoms and then the person begins to tense up and harbor thoughts of doom – just the conditions that drive a panic attack.

If you feel a panic attack coming on, it is helpful just to let it happen, as uncomfortable as this may seem. As is true of any phobia, you have to expose yourself to the feared situation in order for the fear to decrease over time. If you don’t tense up, the symptoms will generally subside within a few minutes. Tensing up will perpetuate the episode. You may feel faint, but you won’t really faint (blood is going to your muscles as you tense up and not to your brain, and this may bring on the sensation of fainting – but your blood pressure and heart rate have increased, so you’re actually less likely to faint). During a panic attack, try to re-channel your thoughts. Challenge your negative thinking (you are not having a heart attack; you will not suffocate; you are not going crazy; you will not die). Trust that this will end soon.

Tell yourself the following – “Well, here it is again. Let me watch my body respond to this, just like I’ve done before. I will survive this and I can handle it. This may be unpleasant, but it’s only anxiety and it will pass. Let me flow through this.”

Dr. Quintal & Associates

5460 Lena Road, Suite 103

Bradenton, FL 34211

941-907-0525

Visit our website for information about Rapid Resolution Therapy: www.drquintal.com

Freedom From Verbal Abuse

A home should be a happy place, or at least a safe place. Dealing daily with the outside world, with its tensions, pressures, and surprises, can be difficult. The home is a place to come back to, a place to feel free, relaxed, and comfortable. The home should be the place where we feel loved and accepted just for being ourselves. This is, of course, an ideal description of what a home can be.

In truth, home is also the place where our personal conflicts are worked out, sometimes in destructive ways. Our internal conflicts may involve issues of anger, power, and control – all of which can lead to verbal abuse. The verbally abusive household is usually not a happy place, and, in extreme conditions, it might not be a safe place. It is important to recognize verbal abuse when it occurs – and then do something about it. Fortunately, there are effective ways of dealing with such situations and making the home a safe haven.

Verbal abuse leaves no physical scars, but the emotional wounds can be just as deep and recovery can be prolonged. On the surface, others may see both the verbal abuser and the victim of the abuse as a happy couple, the nicest of people. But behind the scenes there exists a subtle pattern of manipulation and intimidation, unreasonable demands, sarcasm, and angry outbursts. At the onset of these relationships, everything may seem wonderful. The person who later becomes verbally abusive may shower the eventual victim with gifts and compliments and make that person feel like the most important person in the world. Gradually, however, the relationship deteriorates.  The abuser’s anger and need for control are projected onto the victim. The victim is blamed for not being “good enough,” and the relationship gradually turns into an emotional roller coaster. When things seem to be going well, a fight emerges unexpectedly.

The victim may adjust to this situation over time, so that he or she is unaware of the extent of the abuse. Victims may come to see themselves as not “good enough.” They may feel that they are truly at fault, and if only they could change their behavior, the abuser’s anger would stop. The abuser usually fails to take responsibility for creating the problem and it is the partner who takes the blame. These relationships, then, are characterized by denial, poor interpersonal boundaries, control and power issues, trust issues, and unresolved anger.

Codependence and Verbal Abuse
The partners in a verbally abusive situation are usually involved in a codependent relationship, and neither partner may realize that verbal abuse exists. But they do know that something is wrong. Codependence exists when the partners in a relationship have grown up in dysfunctional families. In these families, the needs of the parents are usually put before those of the children, there is great instability, and interpersonal boundaries are poor. The children may be verbally battered so that they grow up with unresolved anger and a negative image of themselves. People who grow up in this sort of household may find themselves in a verbally abusive relationship in adulthood. The abuser is charming at first and the victim is eager to please. Neither party is clear about his or her own boundaries, so the abuser feels justified in imposing anger on the victim while the victim in turn tries to win love and approval – often by accepting blame and adjusting his or her reality to conform to what the abuser demands. The agenda for the victim is to be loved by taking care of the abuser. The agenda for the abuser is to control the victim into taking care of him or her. And both parties want to end the pain associated with negative self-esteem. The victim seeks to win approval, which provides some semblance of self-esteem. The abuser, who also suffers from damaged self-esteem, sees him or herself as the victim and uses power and control over others as a way to survive in what he or she sees as a threatening world.

Recognizing Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse can almost always be seen as a control issue. Ironically, it is the abuser who sees him or herself as the victim. Thus, the abuser feels the need to control the partner in order to allay his or her own insecurities. The victim, hoping for closeness and approval, goes along with the control and may accept blame for causing the problems. In a sense, then, roles become confused – the abuser is the victim and the victim is the abuser. The situation becomes murky and perpetuates the conditions which breed abuse. To confront verbal abuse we need to become aware of the conditions which lead to abuse. Consider the following examples.

Blaming: The verbal abuser will accuse the partner of inciting trouble. “Dear, let’s talk about who will drive the kids to practice tomorrow.” “You’re always planning out my life! Can’t you just give me a break once in a while?” (Notice here how the abuser feels like the victim.)

Denial: The abuser claims that the reality of the partner is invalid. “Hon, remember when we were talking about taking a weekend just for ourselves?” “We never talked about that. You’re making it up.”

Discounting: Similar to denial, discounting trivializes the feelings of the partner. “Larry, I don’t like it when we fight like this.” “You’re just too sensitive, always making problems when you could just leave well enough alone.” (Notice that the abuser retains the control, especially if the partner then goes along with his suggestions.)

Blocking Discussion: The abuser refuses to respond to a communication, thereby blocking resolution of a problem. “Joyce, let’s go through the bills tonight and see how much we can put into savings this month.” “Who asked for your opinion? Get off my back, buster!”

Countering: The abuser sees the partner as the enemy and immediately counters anything the partner has to say without thinking it through. “Look at that lovely vase of zinnias.” “They’re dahlias, dummy.” (Notice here that Name Calling is also an especially destructive, and obvious, form of verbal abuse.)

Withholding: Refusing to communicate and share thoughts and feelings can also be seen as a category of verbal abuse, especially because it damages the chances of achieving intimacy and empathy. Withholding occurs when the abuser distances him or herself and reveals as little as possible to the partner. This is a way of keeping control and leaving the partner feeling frustrated and lonely. The partner may excuse this behavior by believing that the abuser is just a quiet person.
(This is also known as passive-aggressive behavior.)

Joking and Verbal Abuse: The abuser claims that he or she was only joking and then blames the partner for not being able to take a joke. “Did you really mean it when you said my mother couldn’t come here for the holidays?” “You just don’t have a sense of humor. Like, duh....”

Dominating: Commanding the partner to do something undermines the equality of a relationship and puts the abuser in the dominant position. “You get dinner on the table right now,” or “You are going to my office party and I want you dressed in ten minutes.”

Changing the Verbally Abusive Relationship
Because the partners in a verbally abusive relationship have usually adapted to their situations, as painful as this may be, it might require the intervention of a trained therapist to interpret the communication patterns objectively and empathically. In therapy the partners in the relationship may learn how dysfunctional families breed codependence, as well as how negative self-esteem and lack of adaptive interpersonal boundaries can lead to a verbally abusive relationship. New and healthier ways of communicating can be learned, along with the issues of control, the need for equality in a relationship, and how to trust and respect one’s partner. Learning assertiveness and refusing to participate in the cycle of abuse are crucial steps in coming to terms with the destructiveness of the verbally abusive relationship. Our homes can, and should, be happy, loving and safe. We owe it to ourselves, and to our partners, to confront the issues which prevent us from making trust and love essential ingredients in the recipes of our lives. The rewards of doing so are immeasurable.

The Cycle of Abuse
The typical abusive relationship falls into a three stage cycle, and the participants may not be aware of the cycle. One of the main ways of coming to terms with verbal abuse in a relationship is to increase your awareness of this cycle so that you can respond more appropriately.

1. The Buildup of Tension.
   The verbal abuser during this stage becomes increasingly critical, detached, preoccupied and contemptuous. The abuser becomes jealous and controlling. They may try to make the victim account for his or her actions and criticize how the victim dresses, talks, or cleans house. The abuser usually places limits on the actions of the victim in an attempt to assuage his or her own insecurities. It is during this stage also that the victim tries to accommodate the abuser by going overboard to please him or her in an attempt to keep the peace. The tension increases until the next stage of the cycle, the abuse stage, erupts.
2. The Abuse Stage.
   A major fight erupts and it is usually over a trivial incident, an incident so minor that the participants may not recall later what the fight was all about. There may be a great deal of yelling and threats, and sometimes the abuse can turn physical. One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that people never learn to process their anger adaptively as a problem-solving tool, and in the verbally abusive household this anger may erupt as uncontrolled rage. Words which are very damaging, but which usually have no basis in reality, are hurled at the victim. The victim is left confused, hurt, and in need of retreat from the painful interaction.
3. The Regret Stage.
   Once things calm down, the victim feels distanced from the abuser and the abuser feels remorseful. The abuser may promise never to lose control again and then makes an extraordinary effort to win back the approval of the victim. The more distant and self-protective the victim is from the abuser, the more the abuser becomes conciliatory. The abuser uses all of his or her charm to make things right again, and because he or she is in the controlling role, is usually successful. This honeymoon stage lasts until tension begins to build up again – and the cycle is repeated. Unfortunately, over time the cycle can repeat itself more rapidly and usually with greater intensity – with the abuser taking less and less, or no, responsibility for the pattern.

At Dr. Quintal & Associates, we specialize in relationship and marriage counseling.  If you think you are in a relationship that involves abuse or verbal abuse, please contact us for a free consultation.

http://www.drquintal.com

Do You Have PTSD?

Do you have any of the following problems?

If you check at least seven of the following items and it is several months after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event.
   
   
2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.
   
   
3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.
   
   
4. I am always watchful to make sure I don’t experience the same event again.
   
   
5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event
   
   
6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.
   
   
7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.
   
   
8. I get irritated or angry a lot.
   
   
9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).
   
   
10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.
    
    
11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.
    
    
12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.
    
    
13. I have been relying increasingly alcohol or drugs to get through the day.
    

If you or someone you love is suffering from the symptoms of PTSD, please contact us for more information about how we can help.
Dr. Quintal & Associates
941.907.0525
www.drquintal.com
Successful treatment of PTSD is possible.

Some PTSD Statistics

Most people who are exposed to extreme stress are able to process their way through their reactions and never develop PTSD.

• It has been estimated that 70 percent of people will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetime.
  
  
• Of those people, 20 percent will go on to develop PTSD.
  
  
• At any given time, an estimated 5 percent of people have PTSD.
  
  
• Approximately 8 percent of the population will develop PTSD during their lifetime.
  
  
• Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD as men, mostly because women are more susceptible to experience interpersonal violence, including rape and physical beatings.
  
  
• Victims of domestic violence and childhood abuse are at tremendous risk for PTSD.
  
  
• Rape is the leading cause of PTSD.

Are you or a loved one suffering from PTSD? Contact us today for information about PTSD treatment options: http://www.drquintal.com or 941-907-0525

Elena C. Jones, Spiritual Life Coach, joins Dr. Quintal & Associates

Elena C. Jones is a professional spiritual life coach as well as a psychic medium, who taps into the power center both within the client and within the coach. Giving credence to this immaterial intelligence, coaches can aid clients in hearing the messages in their heart, supporting them to take action and effect changes from that place of inner strength.

Elena has a rich life experience; born in Southern Italy she grew up in Buenos Aires, Argentina, eventually moving to the United States 30 years ago. She served three years in the United States Air Force. She later studied business and philosophy in academic and authentic environments.

Elena is a well established Psychic Medium in the Tampa Bay Area. She is a caring conduit connecting you with your loved ones on the other side, she helps to bridge the gap between the physical and the spiritual plane of existence. Elena uses all of her skills of clairaudience, clairvoyance and mediumship. She is able to communicate with Ascended Masters, Spirit Guides, Angels, Archangels and Spiritual beings. Over the years, Elena has dedicated her life to service and bringing the most positive levels of healing and unconditional love to her clients.

Her love and passion for helping people inspired her become a Reiki Master Healer, a Spiritual Life Coach, and a Spiritual Counselor. Elena reads and speaks Spanish, as well as English and Italian.

At Dr. Quintal & Associates, Elena helps clients in the following areas:

• Personal
• Career
• Spiritual
• Relationships

Dr. Quintal & Associates
5460 Lena Road, Suite 103
Bradenton, FL 34211
941-907-0525
Visit our website for information about Rapid Resolution Therapy, Sarasota counseling services and treatment for depression, anxiety and PTSD: www.drquintal.com

Won't My Trauma Always Live In My Memory?

Lots of people ask that question because they have been experiencing pain every time they thought about that troubling experience. So people often times go “Well, how can RRT really clear the trauma? Won’t it always live in my memory?”

The traumatic experience didn’t actually exist in the person’s memory, there is a memory of it; but that doesn’t mean it is the trauma. Just like if I said to you “I remember seeing a big yellow truck yesterday.” I have a memory of that, but does that mean I have a big yellow truck in my head? No, I don’t have a big yellow truck in my head but instead I have a thought about it. When something is traumatic the deeper part of the person’s mind has a tendency to confuse the thought of the experience – thinking it is the experience. That is why it is still troubling, meaning that that memory and trauma are active; and what RRT does is deactivate it. Meaning the person will still have the memory of the experience but it will no longer be associated with the painful emotion and the physical discomfort. When people are done working with me they could talk about the traumatic experience in detail without experiencing any pain at all because that memory is now just a memory. It has been deactivated and so it is no longer troubling or traumatic for that person.

Dr. Quintal & Associates

5460 Lena Road, Suite 103

Bradenton, FL 34211

941-907-0525

Visit our website for information about Rapid Resolution Therapy: www.drquintal.com