Learning to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflicts in Your Relationship

We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people learn the art of self-soothing.

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Freedom From Verbal Abuse

A home should be a happy place, or at least a safe place. Dealing daily with the outside world, with its tensions, pressures, and surprises, can be difficult. The home is a place to come back to, a place to feel free, relaxed, and comfortable. The home should be the place where we feel loved and accepted just for being ourselves. This is, of course, an ideal description of what a home can be.

In truth, home is also the place where our personal conflicts are worked out, sometimes in destructive ways. Our internal conflicts may involve issues of anger, power, and control – all of which can lead to verbal abuse. The verbally abusive household is usually not a happy place, and, in extreme conditions, it might not be a safe place. It is important to recognize verbal abuse when it occurs – and then do something about it. Fortunately, there are effective ways of dealing with such situations and making the home a safe haven.

Verbal abuse leaves no physical scars, but the emotional wounds can be just as deep and recovery can be prolonged. On the surface, others may see both the verbal abuser and the victim of the abuse as a happy couple, the nicest of people. But behind the scenes there exists a subtle pattern of manipulation and intimidation, unreasonable demands, sarcasm, and angry outbursts. At the onset of these relationships, everything may seem wonderful. The person who later becomes verbally abusive may shower the eventual victim with gifts and compliments and make that person feel like the most important person in the world. Gradually, however, the relationship deteriorates.  The abuser’s anger and need for control are projected onto the victim. The victim is blamed for not being “good enough,” and the relationship gradually turns into an emotional roller coaster. When things seem to be going well, a fight emerges unexpectedly.

The victim may adjust to this situation over time, so that he or she is unaware of the extent of the abuse. Victims may come to see themselves as not “good enough.” They may feel that they are truly at fault, and if only they could change their behavior, the abuser’s anger would stop. The abuser usually fails to take responsibility for creating the problem and it is the partner who takes the blame. These relationships, then, are characterized by denial, poor interpersonal boundaries, control and power issues, trust issues, and unresolved anger.

Codependence and Verbal Abuse
The partners in a verbally abusive situation are usually involved in a codependent relationship, and neither partner may realize that verbal abuse exists. But they do know that something is wrong. Codependence exists when the partners in a relationship have grown up in dysfunctional families. In these families, the needs of the parents are usually put before those of the children, there is great instability, and interpersonal boundaries are poor. The children may be verbally battered so that they grow up with unresolved anger and a negative image of themselves. People who grow up in this sort of household may find themselves in a verbally abusive relationship in adulthood. The abuser is charming at first and the victim is eager to please. Neither party is clear about his or her own boundaries, so the abuser feels justified in imposing anger on the victim while the victim in turn tries to win love and approval – often by accepting blame and adjusting his or her reality to conform to what the abuser demands. The agenda for the victim is to be loved by taking care of the abuser. The agenda for the abuser is to control the victim into taking care of him or her. And both parties want to end the pain associated with negative self-esteem. The victim seeks to win approval, which provides some semblance of self-esteem. The abuser, who also suffers from damaged self-esteem, sees him or herself as the victim and uses power and control over others as a way to survive in what he or she sees as a threatening world.

Recognizing Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse can almost always be seen as a control issue. Ironically, it is the abuser who sees him or herself as the victim. Thus, the abuser feels the need to control the partner in order to allay his or her own insecurities. The victim, hoping for closeness and approval, goes along with the control and may accept blame for causing the problems. In a sense, then, roles become confused – the abuser is the victim and the victim is the abuser. The situation becomes murky and perpetuates the conditions which breed abuse. To confront verbal abuse we need to become aware of the conditions which lead to abuse. Consider the following examples.

Blaming: The verbal abuser will accuse the partner of inciting trouble. “Dear, let’s talk about who will drive the kids to practice tomorrow.” “You’re always planning out my life! Can’t you just give me a break once in a while?” (Notice here how the abuser feels like the victim.)

Denial: The abuser claims that the reality of the partner is invalid. “Hon, remember when we were talking about taking a weekend just for ourselves?” “We never talked about that. You’re making it up.”

Discounting: Similar to denial, discounting trivializes the feelings of the partner. “Larry, I don’t like it when we fight like this.” “You’re just too sensitive, always making problems when you could just leave well enough alone.” (Notice that the abuser retains the control, especially if the partner then goes along with his suggestions.)

Blocking Discussion: The abuser refuses to respond to a communication, thereby blocking resolution of a problem. “Joyce, let’s go through the bills tonight and see how much we can put into savings this month.” “Who asked for your opinion? Get off my back, buster!”

Countering: The abuser sees the partner as the enemy and immediately counters anything the partner has to say without thinking it through. “Look at that lovely vase of zinnias.” “They’re dahlias, dummy.” (Notice here that Name Calling is also an especially destructive, and obvious, form of verbal abuse.)

Withholding: Refusing to communicate and share thoughts and feelings can also be seen as a category of verbal abuse, especially because it damages the chances of achieving intimacy and empathy. Withholding occurs when the abuser distances him or herself and reveals as little as possible to the partner. This is a way of keeping control and leaving the partner feeling frustrated and lonely. The partner may excuse this behavior by believing that the abuser is just a quiet person.
(This is also known as passive-aggressive behavior.)

Joking and Verbal Abuse: The abuser claims that he or she was only joking and then blames the partner for not being able to take a joke. “Did you really mean it when you said my mother couldn’t come here for the holidays?” “You just don’t have a sense of humor. Like, duh....”

Dominating: Commanding the partner to do something undermines the equality of a relationship and puts the abuser in the dominant position. “You get dinner on the table right now,” or “You are going to my office party and I want you dressed in ten minutes.”

Changing the Verbally Abusive Relationship
Because the partners in a verbally abusive relationship have usually adapted to their situations, as painful as this may be, it might require the intervention of a trained therapist to interpret the communication patterns objectively and empathically. In therapy the partners in the relationship may learn how dysfunctional families breed codependence, as well as how negative self-esteem and lack of adaptive interpersonal boundaries can lead to a verbally abusive relationship. New and healthier ways of communicating can be learned, along with the issues of control, the need for equality in a relationship, and how to trust and respect one’s partner. Learning assertiveness and refusing to participate in the cycle of abuse are crucial steps in coming to terms with the destructiveness of the verbally abusive relationship. Our homes can, and should, be happy, loving and safe. We owe it to ourselves, and to our partners, to confront the issues which prevent us from making trust and love essential ingredients in the recipes of our lives. The rewards of doing so are immeasurable.

The Cycle of Abuse
The typical abusive relationship falls into a three stage cycle, and the participants may not be aware of the cycle. One of the main ways of coming to terms with verbal abuse in a relationship is to increase your awareness of this cycle so that you can respond more appropriately.

1. The Buildup of Tension.
   The verbal abuser during this stage becomes increasingly critical, detached, preoccupied and contemptuous. The abuser becomes jealous and controlling. They may try to make the victim account for his or her actions and criticize how the victim dresses, talks, or cleans house. The abuser usually places limits on the actions of the victim in an attempt to assuage his or her own insecurities. It is during this stage also that the victim tries to accommodate the abuser by going overboard to please him or her in an attempt to keep the peace. The tension increases until the next stage of the cycle, the abuse stage, erupts.
2. The Abuse Stage.
   A major fight erupts and it is usually over a trivial incident, an incident so minor that the participants may not recall later what the fight was all about. There may be a great deal of yelling and threats, and sometimes the abuse can turn physical. One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that people never learn to process their anger adaptively as a problem-solving tool, and in the verbally abusive household this anger may erupt as uncontrolled rage. Words which are very damaging, but which usually have no basis in reality, are hurled at the victim. The victim is left confused, hurt, and in need of retreat from the painful interaction.
3. The Regret Stage.
   Once things calm down, the victim feels distanced from the abuser and the abuser feels remorseful. The abuser may promise never to lose control again and then makes an extraordinary effort to win back the approval of the victim. The more distant and self-protective the victim is from the abuser, the more the abuser becomes conciliatory. The abuser uses all of his or her charm to make things right again, and because he or she is in the controlling role, is usually successful. This honeymoon stage lasts until tension begins to build up again – and the cycle is repeated. Unfortunately, over time the cycle can repeat itself more rapidly and usually with greater intensity – with the abuser taking less and less, or no, responsibility for the pattern.

At Dr. Quintal & Associates, we specialize in relationship and marriage counseling.  If you think you are in a relationship that involves abuse or verbal abuse, please contact us for a free consultation.

http://www.drquintal.com

Assess Your Relationship

Understanding the sources of conflict in your relationship is one step toward resolving the differences between you. When we can get the problems out in the open and talk about them objectively, we can often find the solutions. Use the list below as a starting point for shedding some light on your relationship conflicts, which may now be hidden but which, with some thought, can become known and talked about constructively.

• Look for themes in your relationship conflicts, problems that keep reappearing time and time again. Focus on identifying the underlying theme in most of your arguments. Arguments usually focus on the surface aspects of the underlying conflict. Your goal here is to define the underlying conflict.
  
  
• Have these themes appeared in your other relationships with other people – both with friends and perhaps with other partners in the past?
  
  
• Can you identify your part in contributing to these themes? Every relationship takes two people and both contribute to the difficulties. What is your part? (This may be a hard question to answer since we tend to see the problems as lying within our partner rather than within ourselves.)
  
  
• What are the positive qualities in your partner that you may have forgotten about as time has gone by? Can you begin to define your partner in those terms again?
  
  
• What are the negative qualities in your partner that cause conflicts between you? Does your partner agree that these qualities are true? Has your partner changed over time, gradually starting to agree that the negative qualities may be true? Or, conversely, does your partner insist that these negative qualities are not true?
  
  
• Do you focus mostly on these negative qualities when you think about your partner?
  
  
• Is there anything from your past – from childhood on through adulthood – which reminds you of the conflicts between you and your partner? (This may be a clue regarding your unresolved conflicts which are the source of projections.)
  
  
• Does your partner project unresolved conflicts onto you? (These are probably easier to see than your projections onto your partner.)

Dr. Quintal & Associates
5460 Lena Road, Suite 103
Bradenton, FL 34211
941-907-0525
Visit our website for information about relationship and marriage counseling : www.drquintal.com

Relationship Conflicts : Where Did the Love Go??

Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties, and conflicts with people from our past – parents, friends, and former partners.

When we enter into a relationship we expect to be loved just for being who we are. A relationship should provide a safe zone where our partner values us for expressing our own uniqueness. This is a simple expectation. Indeed, this is the way most relationships start out. Why, then, does it seem so hard to maintain this ideal, blissful state of unconditional love over time?

Our relationships with our partners are colored by our own personal legacies. We often react to our partners as if they were someone else – and this will likely cause conflict in the relationship.

How we perceive our partners is influenced by how we learned to deal with other people in the past. This process can go back into early childhood, even to infancy. Indeed, our earliest primary attachment to a caretaker – a mother, a father, perhaps another adult – can have an effect on how we deal with other people for the rest of our lives. For example, if our earliest experiences taught us to trust in the world, then we are likely to take a trusting attitude toward people throughout our lives. Conversely, if a child is never shown love during the earliest stages of life, it may be a challenge during adulthood to learn how to experience and express love. Early experiences from childhood can have a powerful effect later on. (This is a strong argument for treating children well.)

Children experience both good and bad in the world. Plenty of good experiences, like love and trust, feel comfortable and produce a positive self-image in children – a positive way of defining themselves. Bad experiences, though, create feelings of conflict and frustration. These negative experiences also go into the self-definition that the child eventually develops. But they don’t feel compatible with the more positive feelings, so, according to one theory, the child projects them onto somebody else. (Projection means finding in someone else the qualities that you don’t want to accept within yourself – like blaming your partner for being controlling when you are the one who has the tendency to want to control.)

Projections

It is not only early childhood experiences that cause us to project our unacceptable feelings onto someone else. Friends can have the same effect, as can partners from our previous relationships. This is a process that happens throughout our lives. How many times have we heard someone say, “Treat me for who I am – I am not your former partner”?

The major point to keep in mind is that we project our own problematic feelings onto another person. For example, if we have an issue with jealousy, we will project our own jealousy onto someone else – perceiving that person as the jealous one. This is because we can’t tolerate seeing ourselves as having a problem with jealousy – and it’s easier to attribute it to someone else. In other words, we feel unable to correct the problem in ourselves, so we focus on this issue in the other person. And this happens with a number of problems – anger, dependence, distrust, laziness, and the list goes on. The way out of this, of course, is to become aware of our projections and understand how they affect our relationships.

When couples experience conflict in their relationship, projections are often at the root of the problem. If we are living with our own conflicts and are unable to make any headway in understanding them, it’s as if we look for the problem in the other person. In fact, at a certain level, we may actually seek out partners who have the qualities that we find problematic within ourselves. If we have difficulty with our own controlling behavior, we may seek out partners who do just that to us – people who dominate us. Our partner may not see him or herself as domineering, but because we need to work out our own problems with the issue of dominance, we search for these qualities in the other person. We take any cue we can from our partner and magnify it. Then we’re able to project our own problem onto the other person, saying it is
their fault. By blaming the other person, we protect ourselves from having to come to terms with our own issues. We can safely continue our controlling pattern and blame the other person for having the problem. And the price we pay for this? Relationship conflict.

The healthier option, when projections are causing relationship conflicts, is to increase our awareness of our own internal conflicts and understand how we project these conflicts onto our partner. We can look for examples of our projections in other life situations until we see a pattern. When we have awareness of the problem, we can understand the many ways it influences our behavior – and this can give us some control over the problem. We can then try out new ways of dealing with people. For example, when a person experiences frustration
time and again from feeling dominated by others, learning some healthy assertiveness techniques can alleviate the problem.

It is important to understand...
...that projections are not at the root of every problem that couples experience. Sometimes one of the partners does indeed have a real behavioral problem.
In this case, it is not advisable to try to understand it as a projection, but to see it for what it truly is and to take appropriate measures to change the situation. Working with a professional therapist is a good strategy for addressing relationship conflicts.

The Other Partner Colludes

An interesting phenomenon happens when a partner is the recipient of a projection – the one being projected upon. Because this person is trying to smooth out the conflicts, he or she may identify with the projection. So, the couple now begins to define their problem in this way. The person receiving the projection starts to say, “Yes, I have a problem with being too dominant, and I need to work on it.” In fact, this person may start to behave in a way that confirms the projection. It may never have occurred to this person that dominance was a personal issue in the past, but because it is brought up frequently through the first partner’s projections, the second person may create a self-definition that conforms to the projection. The recipient of the projection can either take in the projection – believing that it is true and behaving accordingly – or, in the more mature case, can modify it, insisting that the projection is not a true representation. In this case, the recipient can actually help the partner come to terms with his or her own issues and restore some health to the relationship.

The person doing the projecting may define the whole of the other partner as having the problem, and the recipient of the projection may do the same – to define the problem not just as a part of the self, but the whole self. When this happens, the couple may forget about the positive parts of each of the partners and concentrate instead on only the problematic areas. The mistake here is this – when we work on our relationship conflicts, we need to draw on the positive parts of the relationship rather than focusing entirely on the problems.

When a couple first gets together, they focus on their similarities – those parts of themselves that are compatible. This is when the intimacy and trust of the relationship are formed. It isn’t until the relationship has matured that the negative projections begin to take shape. This helps to explain why some couples who were so perfect for each other in the beginning start to have conflicts as time goes by. When the negative projections begin, the partner doing the projecting tends to withdraw from the intimacy of the relationship and to focus more on seeking some independence. And the second partner may then withdraw as well. This is when the couple may start to experience serious relationship difficulties.

It Takes Two

The process of projection in a relationship is not always one-sided. Things can get complicated when both partners are mutually engaged in this process – and this is a common occurrence. It becomes difficult for the partners to see where the problem lies. Take a look at the following example.

An Example – Chris and Pat

Chris grew up in a household where the parents were emotionally withholding. Affection was seldom expressed toward Chris and the other siblings, although material needs were always provided. Chris always searched for nurturance, love and support, the things that were never provided in the household – and harbored some anger that the kids were never given these things. Of course, this anger was never expressed, for fear that it would lead toward even more emotional deprivation.

Pat, on the other hand, had two very controlling parents. It was hard to experience independence during childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, and this led to hidden resentment that could never be expressed.

When Pat and Chris first got together, they both felt liberated, as if all of their dreams and hopes for a relationship could be met in the other person. Chris saw in Pat a person who appreciated freedom and was genuine, affectionate, and willing to give love and emotional support. Similarly, Pat saw in Chris someone who valued love, trust, and respect for personal integrity. Their first year or two together were the happy times.

Over time, however, Chris’s resentment, harbored since childhood and never resolved, became attached to Pat. Rather than seeing all the positive qualities in Pat that formed the basis of the initial attraction, Chris focused negatively on Pat’s need for independence and not being at home enough. Pat is accused of always being out with friends and finding the job more important than the relationship.

Pat, on the other hand, sees Chris’s demands to be at home more often as control, the same thing that caused such resentment during Pat’s childhood. Rather than focus on Chris’s more positive qualities of love and trust, Pat accuses Chris of acting like a parent who would not allow independence.

The couple is at an impasse. Chris accuses Pat of emotional withdrawal. Pat blames Chris for being controlling. They aren’t able to see their way out of their dilemma until they start to work with a therapist who is able to clarify the patterns. And for this couple – with some exploration, courage, and insight, there is hope.

Dr. Quintal & Associates
5460 Lena Road, Suite 103
Bradenton, FL 34211
941-907-0525
Visit our website for information about Rapid Resolution Therapy, Sarasota counseling services and treatment for depression, anxiety and PTSD: www.drquintal.com